Before the telegraph was invented, news couldn’t travel any faster than a horse. The slow movement of information had huge historical consequences. The Battle of New Orleans, for instance, was fought three weeks after the Treaty of Ghent–which “ended” the War of 1812. If somebody in Ghent had had a cell phone, there would have been no Battle of New Orleans; Andrew Jackson would have had to figure out some other way to become a national hero and rise to the Presidency.
The slow movement of information had huge impacts on storytelling as well. Think how many of the classic stories would simply evaporate in the age of cell phones. The tragic miscommunication at the end of Romeo and Juliet would have never happened if the star-crossed lovers could have just texted one another. If A Midsummer Night’s Dream was happening today, Hermia would just call Lysander and say, “Looks like we got separated. Meet me at the big tree that looks like it has a face.” End of problem. End of play.
It’s jarring even to watch a movie set in the mid-nineties, which seems pretty modern, except that people are always looking for pay phones and checking their home answering machines.
Your assignment for Audience Participation Friday: Choose a story from the pre-cell phone/texting/Facebook/Twitter/GPS era and give the characters smart phones. Then tell us what happens.
Bonus Apocryphal Story: One of my boys told me about a friend of a friend (urban legend red flag–I know) whose mother thought LOL stood for Lots of Love. This person got a text from his mother that said, “Your grandmother just died. LOL.”
luaphacim
montie: d00d, i got some amontillado, u want some?fortun-8-0: how u get dat in carnival time?
montie: dont know, but it was cheap, not sure its reel… u want to check w/ me?
fortun-8-0: amontillado
montie: cuz if u dont I think luchAC is comin over l8r
fortun-8-0: luchAC would prolly have 2 google amontillado lol
montie: if u dun want 2, that’s cool, i know ur sick
fortun-8-0: amontillado
montie: srsly, dun know if theres enough 4 you me + luchAC
fortun-8-0: amontillado
montie: k, meet u in the basement in 5
fortun-8-0: c u there! amontillado
fortun-8-0: hey, im hear, where u at?
fortun-8-0: feeling weak – i prolly shouldent be down here w/ my cough
fortun-8-0: is that u?
fortun-8-0: hey, wut u doin?
fortun-8-0: d00d, not cool
montie: hope u enjoy the new wall lol
fortun-8-0: 4 teh love of god montie
montie: yes, 4 teh love of god 🙂
montie: u there?
montie: u there?
montie: guess not lol 🙂
Dan Kulp
“The Midnight Tweet of Paul Revere” by Shortguy.Brits coming yo
EmmaJ
Frodo Bagginsis going it alone.
17 minutes ago Like Comment
Samwise Gamgee
No way man!! I’m coming too!! Hold on!!!!!!!!!!!!
16 minutes ago Like
Frodo Baggins
No… don’t bother. It’s fine. I’ll text you when I get there. This stupid
ring is burning a hole in my pocket – I just gotta jet.
15 minutes ago Like
Samise Gamgee
Definitely DO NOT like!
14 minutes ago Like
Frodo Baggins
Sam,really, it’s fine. Don’t freak out. I know you have the rope and the
pots and pans and stuff, but I took the Garmin.
13 minutes ago Like
Samwise Gamgee
Yeah, but I have the charger.
12 minutes ago Like
Samwise Gamgee
You need me after all, admit it.
12 minutes ago Like
Frodo Baggins
When everyone else fails you, you find @Samwise Gamgee is still by your side. You’re the best, man… but let’s talk about swimming lessons when all this is over, k?
9 minutes ago Like Comment
Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and 2 others like this
Jonathan Rogers
EmmaJ, those are hilarious. I especially love that detail about Sam Gamgee having the charger. Thanks for getting us off to a great start.
EmmaJ
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AMY MARCHJo, Europe rocks!
Um, thanks Amy. Don’t rub it in or anything.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AMY MARCH HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AMY MARCH
Oh… right.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AMY MARCH
If it makes u feel any better, Aunt March’s dog is totally getting on my nerves.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AMY MARCH
& this painting gig doesn’t leave a girl much time for shopping.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from MARMEE
Jo-girl – where u b? Haven’t seen u all day.
Attic. Working. Um, ok. Angry Birds. But going to start on novel real soon.
YOUR MESSAGE TO MARMEE HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from MEG BROOK
Jo, any chance u can sit on babies 2nite? John wants 2 take me out 4 anniversary.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AMY MARCH
BTW – Laurie keeps trying to friend me. Would that bother u? Cuz I totally understand if u don’t want him popping up in your newsfeed & stuff.
It’s okay, I guess.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AMY MARCH HAS BEEN SENT
I think he must still be pretty mad about that proposal thing. Won’t respond 2 my e-mails & stuff.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AMY MARCH HAS BEEN SENT
I mean, don’t get engaged to him or anything. That would be weird. Ha ha. LOL.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AMY MARCH HAS BEEN SENT
JJ
With such great starts I don’t know if I should dare to even try. 🙂 Let me think on this for a bit.
JJ
Sherlock Holmes: Inspector Lestrade, the killer is ______!!
Inspector Lestrade: Awesome! OMW!
Holmes: Watson, we found the killer!
Watson: Sweet! I’m going back to bed.
Jess
Laugh until I cry = one of the best APFs ever. And it’s still early.
Aaron Roughton
These are absolutely brilliant.
Jonathan Rogers
There’s one thing you and I can agree on, Aaron. These really are great. And it’s not even lunchtime yet.
EmmaJ
The following account was dug up just this morning from the unpublished papers of PG Wodehouse. It seems he had a premonition about text messaging. Sort of a sci-fi twist on the old humor novel, what?
——————————————————————————–
You’re not going to believe this, old boy, but I’m in the soup again.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Yes, sir. How can I be of service?
Just the choice btwn two smashing ties. Can’t make up the old noggin. Been standing here for nearly an hour.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AUNT AGATHA
Bertie! You are quite late. Tea is cold. Am most put out. Have important things 2 discuss w u.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
If you can describe the choices to me, sir, I will endeavor to be of assistance
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AUNT AGATHA
Have heiress in mind. She is willing 2 reform u. Come @ 1ce.
Well, good fellow, like I said, both are quite the cat’s meow, if u know what I mean.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
The 1st is a brilliant yellow with a devilishly smart purple dotty pattern. Seen one of the old school chums down at Goodwood with something not nearly as peppy, but caught my eye, don’t you know?
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
Not to toot the old horn too loud, but I daresay I’ll be a good deal more dashing, what?
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
And the other, sir?
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AUNT AGATHA
May I remind you of the proximity of disinheritance?
Well, it’s sort of a boring old thing. Would match that brown tweed quite well, but not much flash.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
Must keep up appearances. Pride of the Woosters and all that, what?
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Yes, sir. I see the importance of careful deliberation.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from AUNT AGATHA
Really, it is rather 2 much 2 b borne.
Dash it all, I’m putting everything I’ve got on the yellow. A man only lives once, and all that sort of rot. Must be bold. Cheery-o, I’ve made my choice.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Sir, I hope u don’t mind. I’ve taken the liberty of sending an advertisement 2 your aunt.
I say! What does Aunt Agatha want w advertisements??
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
May I remind you, sir, of that cheery campaign extolling the benefits of Happy Farms margarine?
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Although some few years have passed, perhaps you will recall the sprightly troupe of young persons bearing the large tub upon their shoulders.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
While tap dancing.
Oh yes! Tra-la-la-la and all that. Quite a catchy tune. But old man, I don’t quite understand…
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
I thought, sir, that she might be pleased to see her young protege making such industrious use of time and talents.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Also, delivery truck with years’ supply of margarine should arrive at Aunt A’s doorstep any moment. Gave driver smart tip for expedited service.
Jeeves, charge that to my account.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Yes, sir. Already done sir.
And take that ten pound note on my dressing table. You’ve earned it.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Thank you, sir.
Oh, and Jeeves?
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Yes, sir?
I’ve chosen the brown tie, Jeeves.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
I see, sir. Very good, sir.
Jonathan Rogers
EmmaJ, you have a gift.
EmmaJ
Thanks, Jonathan. Glad to be of service.We appreciate these opportunities for end-of-week inspiration.
Jonathan Rogers
Luaphacim, yours is fantastic too. Love fortun-8-o.
And Dan K, you’re still 125 characters short of your 140-character limit. Which means it can be re-tweeted and re-re-tweeted and re-re-re-tweeted with no danger of running out of characters–an important consideration when the British are coming and you’ve got to get the word out quickly. Between clerihews and 15-character tweets, you truly are the master of short forms.
JJ, I’m missing something on yours…why doesn’t Holmes identify the killer?
Sir Jonathan C. Andrews
I am loving this. I have this awesome book called The Lost Blogs: From Jesus To Jim Morrison. Yes that’s right a book of “if they could have blogged”. Some of my favorites are John Wilkes Booth, Helen Keller, and C.S. Lewis. In Booth’s he is mostly chatting on and on about his new head-shots and about theaters. Helen Keller’s is ,I know it’s horrible, a photo blog. In the one “by Lewis” he is talking about how his mother used to tell them stories about a lying witch in the wardrobe. That’s right say it out loud if you haven’t gotten it yet “the lying witch in the wardrobe”. Anyway great coffee table reading. I say all this to say that you should compile these and make them into a coffee table book.Frodo: Gandalf, send eagles to shire to pick up ring. I suggest a fly over mount doom.
Jonathan Rogers
Aaron Roughton, I’m glad you’re enjoying everybody else’s brilliance, but we’re expecting some from you too.Hint: Walker Texas Ranger didn’t have a cell phone.
Tom Hoffman
huck dude jims free and yer pap croakedc’mon back
TSawyer@hannibal.net
Steve S
Don’t have time today but somebody needs to do an Elizabeth Bennett & Mr. Darcy exchange.
Charissa Hoffman
I’m Tom Hoffman’s daughter. I love your website! (and The Charlatans Boy is GREAT!!)
Anne Shirley …@MathewCuthbert just bought me a new dress 4 xmas!!! <3 the sleeves!!
Comments…
Diana Barry: LUUV ur dress anne!! <3s!!!
———————————————————
Marilla Cuthbert: You'll only pamper her vanity, Matthew! (This message has been deleted by @AnneShirley)
———————————————————-
Rachel Lynde: It's simply time the child has a decent dress! Glad to help, Anne! =)
———————————————————–
Matthew Cuthbert: Sorry Marilla ur welcome anne thnx rachel ttyl
———————————————————–
Anne Shirley: Still a man of few words, huh, @matthewcuthbert? 🙂 THNX <3's Mrs. Lyndddee!!!!
———————————————————–
Diana Barry: BTW y do u keep ignoring @GilbertBlythe's friend requests anne? seriously u need to wake up!!! (this comment has been deleted by @anneshirley)
———————————————————–
Anne Shirley: 😛 seriously diana sry but dont talk about him on my page!!! 🙁 btw thnx Ms. Barry 4 the slippers!!!!
———————————————————–
Ms. Barry: Ur welcom mry xmas
———————————————————–
Ruby Gillis: MY SLIPPERS WOULDV WORKED FINE THO RITE ANNE???
—
I really don't like texter speak, but my friends are CRAZY about it!!
Jonathan Rogers
Hello and welcome, Charissa. Thanks for chiming in. (I mean thx 4 chiming n). Isn’t Anne of Green Gables great?Your old man just blew up the second half of Huck Finn with one email. I hope he’s happy.
Jonathan Rogers
EmmaJ, know what would have been awesome? If Bertie had accidentally texted something to Aunt Agatha when he thought he was texting it to Jeeves.
Does anybody know Jeeves’s first name?
Jess
ghostofxmaspast: @ebnzrscrooge! @ebnzrscrooge! ur nephew sez its tim 4 u 2 get on FB. he wants 2 no wut ur up 2.
ebnzrscrooge: bahmbg.
Jess
^edit that. It’s @ghostofxmasprsnt speaking. I always get them mixed up.
Laura Peterson
Wow, wiping tears of laughter from my eyes.EmmaJ – Yes, you are brilliant. Please write a book.
Steve S – I’m imagining photos appearing on Facebook of the hasty wedding of Lydia and Mr. Wickham…..with Mr. Darcy tagged in one of them, paying off the clergyman. Womp womp. The photo garners scores of comments and “likes” from the local Meryton villagers, but Mr. Bennett is demoralized at this public revelation of his limited financial means to all of Hertfordshire, and refuses to allow Darcy to marry Elizabeth. The end. So sad…..
EmmaJ
I like that idea, Jonathan. Perhaps something along these lines?
What ho, Jeeves? Don’t know how much more I can take of this. Very trying on the constitution. Old dame says I must go off with her to some dull place in Surrey.
EmmaJ
Hey… I wasn’t quite ready to post that – please disregard 🙂 Still mentally composing while I move on to some other tasks…
Dan Kulp
“Citizen Kane” would start with him texting “rsbd” and dropping his I-phone.
EmmaJ
I like that idea, Jonathan. Perhaps something along these lines?
What ho, Jeeves? Don’t know how much more I can take of this. Very trying on the constitution.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
Old dame says I must go off with her to some dull place out in the country. Dreadful boring.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
Like as not it’s one of those places where everyone is up and about, with all manner of noise and calisthenics, before a chap’s even had a chance to crack his eyelids open and procure a decent cup of tea.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
And wouldn’t you know, my lady’s also gone quite dotty over the merits of the macrobiotic diet. I expect we will spend the visit dining on steamed seaweed or some such verdure.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
Not that the formidable old thing couldn’t use a diet, macro-whatever-it is or other.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
I fancy as of late she’s begun to look just a hint bulgey. Have you noticed? Indulging a bit overmuch in the venerable institution that is the cream tea, perhaps, if you know what I mean. Heh heh.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
Well, sigh… I suppose we’ll all get there some day, old chap. Must bear up as best we can. Stiff upper lip, and all that.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
Honestly, Jeeves, you have no reply? I rather expected some expression of sympathy regarding the prospect of these upcoming travels.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
Nothing? Well then.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
Still steamed about that natty green suit I bought last week? Perhaps it’s time to give that up. It really is rather splendid. You’ll come around to it in time.
YOUR MESSAGE TO AUNT AGATHA HAS BEEN SENT
[insert 30 minute intermission]
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Sir, I’ve taken the liberty of agreeing to several appointments on your behalf.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
You are to dine with a Miss Tompkinson on Tuesday evening, a Miss Thourogood on Thursday evening, and a Miss Kinkaid on Saturday evening.
What? Jeeves, that is quite preposterous. Without consulting me???
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Your closest female relative has just paid you a visit.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
As you were out, she conveyed a severe displeasure to me, on the understanding that I would communicate these unpleasant sentiments to you.
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
In order to placate this irate personage, it was necessary to make some, er, concessions.
Concessions???
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
In short, sir, I was forced to voice agreement with the contention that you would certainly be improved by the judicious influence of a well-chosen bride.
YOU WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How absurd!!! Jeeves, this is downright betrayal!!! Of all the things to do!! What has brought this on??? I’ve often thought that I couldn’t get along very well without you, but I’m jolly well thinking of giving it a go!!!!
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
I believe that you will understand, sir, when you check your ‘sent’ folder.
[several minutes pass, in which Bertie attempts to recover his nerves]
Jeeves, old thing… Open up the rubbish chute.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Yes, sir?
Take my lovely green suit… and fling it down into the depths of the abyss.
YOUR MESSAGE TO JEEVES HAS BEEN SENT
You have 1 NEW MESSAGE from JEEVES
Yes, sir. Very good, sir. Excellent choice.
EmmaJ
Laura, I heart that idea of the photo tags for the Lydia Bennett/George Wickham wedding 🙂
Melinda Speece
@granny to @rrhood: in #bigbadwolf belly – dont fall 4 better 2 CU w/! come ASAP.
Hannah
mrknightly TO @emmawoodhouse: bdly dun MA bdly dun indEd.*message deleted by emmawoodhouse*
emmawoodhouse TO @harrietsmith: made @mrknightly mad boohoo
harrietsmith RT @emmawoodhouse: lol too bad @robert is ttlly kool w/ me
emmawoodhouse RT @harrietsmith: wut bout @mrE
harrietsmit RT @emmawoodhouse: @mrE???
Steve S
WORMWOODSooooooo psyched because my Patient was able to connect with his old high school girlfriend. Quite understandable that he should be bored with domestic life by now. Another Facebook miracle romance in the making?
SCREWTAPE and JADIS like this.
34 minutes ago
WORMWOOD
just made sure that a camera was rolling when a 360 pound half-naked man decided to belch the alphabet. My Patients are going to LOVE seeing that on YouTube!
45 minutes ago
BALROG OF MORIA likes this.
WORMWOOD
has gently informed a Patient that his Windows software has been updated and that his computer has been restarted. D’OH! File saving FAIL! No worries, though: he can probably recreate yesterday’s work in half the time, since he’s already done it once.
about 2 hours ago
WORMWOOD
has invited you to join him in Farmville!
about 5 hours ago
WORMWOOD
You know, I’m pretty sure the only thing more worthwhile to us than a comment thread of a political blog is a comment thread of an entertainment “news” story. #WINNING Still, I can hardly wait for 2012!
HARRY REID likes this.
Yesterday
WORMWOOD
lost 77 pounds following One Simple Rule!
4 days ago
WORMWOOD via SCREWTAPE
Check out this tsunami video! Some of our best work ever! What I don’t get, though, is why we haven’t been able to get Pat Robertson talking about this. I mean, surely there’s SOMETHING he imagines the Japanese did to deserve this.
10 days ago
luaphacim
Love it, Steve S! And Tom Hoffman, congratulations, you successfully short-circuited my favorite novel.
sally apokedak
These are great! All of them. Screwtape’s Facebook page…oh my.
I’ve tried to think of something to add, but, alas, I am a dinosaur and not an expert at texting and tweeting. (I have two left thumbs and my text messages are sometimes quite comical.)
It’s been interesting to think about what characters lives would be like, though. I suspect Lydia and Kitty might be sexting instead of texting, if we gave them cell phones, the foolish girls. Elizabeth would have a thoughtful blog where she writes with wit and Jane and Mr. Bingley would happily comment on every post, declaring their agreement. Mary, would spend her time arguing on theology forums while a look at Mr. Collins’ favorite folder would show that he keeps up with all the Hollywood stars (and Nashville celebs, too). Mr. Darcy? He would have nothing but disdain for all the electronic chattering going on, I think, but he would secretly keep going to Elizabeth’s blog to see what she had to say.
sally apokedak
I meant Wormwood’s facebook page, not Screwtape’s, but actually, that might be one more pain of hell. All your followers and friends steal your updates and don’t give attribution.
EmmaJ
So true, Sally. So true 🙂
CMR
Oh wow! LOL. Love the first one!!!!! These are great!
Canaan Bound
EmmaJ has dominated this APF. What a pro! And there are so many other great ones, besides. Loved ’em. Thanks, guys! This was fun!
Loren
I’ve got nothing, but this sure has been a great, refreshing laugh for a long day!
JJ
I left it blank because it could fit in with any of the Sherlock mysteries. And I was too lazy to do a Google search to find the name of one of the killers, even though I’ve just read the first 3 novels for the first time this year.
Jonathan Rogers
These APF entries are just amazing. Thanks, everybody–and especially EmmaJ–for your great creative efforts.