A Chicago man recently found himself in hot water for keeping a four-foot alligator in his apartment. When asked what he wanted with an alligator, Dewayne Yarbrough gave the obvious answer: he kept it in order to impress women.

What kind of women would be impressed by an alligator? She-feechies, of course. I don’t know how many single she-feechies live in Chicago. On a per-capita basis, I’m guessing not many. They can be elusive in any case. Nor do they often resort to online dating services. No wonder Mr. Yarbrough felt the need to live with an alligator; the city dweller seeking a feechie girlfriend has to be creative.

When he went before the judge later, Mr. Yarbrough took back the claim that he was trying to woo women. He was playing it cool–also a good idea any time you’re trying to impress she-feechies. He said he got the alligator because he was allergic to cats. Hmm…I’m not sure that’s going to advance his cause with the ladies.

The judge pointed out that it would have only been a matter of time before the alligator bit someone. What did Mr. Yarbrough plan to do then? “Throw it near a swamp,” he answered. He never gave the alligator a name, for the obvious reason that it wouldn’t come when he called anyway. “You can’t tame an alligator,” Mr. Yarbrough said.

You can read the story–and see a video–here.

I’m sure Dewayne Yarbrough isn’t the only lovelorn person out there looking for that special feechie someone. I’d be interested in hearing any other feechie dating tips you might have.

Bonus Feechie-Related Arrest Report: Three Michigan men are in trouble for stealing a fourteen-foot taxidermied alligator (pictured at the right), strapping it to a pickup truck, and going mudbogging. You can read the story here. My favorite detail: these men were 53, 55, and 60.

  • Dan Kulp
    4:08 PM, 7 July 2011

    In college one of my roommates ate a 3-egg omelette in one mouthful.  While the guys at the cafeteria table were impressed by his eating prowess and honor for not leaving the challenge guantlet unlifted; none of the women were.
    I guess it’s a universal lesson of She-feechie – fish where the fish are.  Colleges and cities are not good swamplands for she-feechies. 

    • Jonathan Rogers
      4:12 PM, 7 July 2011

      Dan, did I read you right? None of the women were impressed with a guy eating a three-egg omelet in one bite? Sometimes I just don’t get women.

      • Dan Kulp
        4:57 PM, 7 July 2011

        Half a table length down were some gals from the Christian fellowship we were all part of.  About 2 years later we started inviting over groups of 8-12 ppl for dinners to keep community and hopsitality going.    They refused multiple invitations.

  • Jess
    6:33 PM, 7 July 2011

    Hahaha. Unfortunately I have not yet begun searching for my special feechie someone, so I have no lovelorn tales to tell at this point. But I know my feechified little bro will do anything to impress anyone, civilizer, he-feechie, or she-feechie. The first thing that comes to mind is the time he ate ten dinner-plate size pancakes and three fried eggs for breakfast, just to say he ate more than anyone else at the table. He was seven. I admit I was impressed, and so was my visiting uncle, but Mama complained that he left nothing for the rest of us.

  • sally apokedak
    12:28 AM, 9 July 2011

    Keeping the alligator in that small tank seems cruel to me. I don’t know how big an alligator’s brain is, but I don’t see how the creature could have been happy in that tank. I think the man should have been charged with animal cruelty as well as owning a dangerous animal. 
    And an alligator rug? What is that about? 

    • Jonathan Rogers
      12:35 AM, 9 July 2011

      Sally, I think you have hit on exactly the reason Mr. Yarbrough was unsuccessful in attracting she-feechies. Y’all don’t go for that sort of thing, do you?

  • Fellow Traveler
    3:31 AM, 9 July 2011

    I think this is hilarious.

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