A Chicago man recently found himself in hot water for keeping a four-foot alligator in his apartment. When asked what he wanted with an alligator, Dewayne Yarbrough gave the obvious answer: he kept it in order to impress women.

What kind of women would be impressed by an alligator? She-feechies, of course. I don’t know how many single she-feechies live in Chicago. On a per-capita basis, I’m guessing not many. They can be elusive in any case. Nor do they often resort to online dating services. No wonder Mr. Yarbrough felt the need to live with an alligator; the city dweller seeking a feechie girlfriend has to be creative.

When he went before the judge later, Mr. Yarbrough took back the claim that he was trying to woo women. He was playing it cool–also a good idea any time you’re trying to impress she-feechies. He said he got the alligator because he was allergic to cats. Hmm…I’m not sure that’s going to advance his cause with the ladies.

The judge pointed out that it would have only been a matter of time before the alligator bit someone. What did Mr. Yarbrough plan to do then? “Throw it near a swamp,” he answered. He never gave the alligator a name, for the obvious reason that it wouldn’t come when he called anyway. “You can’t tame an alligator,” Mr. Yarbrough said.

You can read the story–and see a video–here.

I’m sure Dewayne Yarbrough isn’t the only lovelorn person out there looking for that special feechie someone. I’d be interested in hearing any other feechie dating tips you might have.

Bonus Feechie-Related Arrest Report: Three Michigan men are in trouble for stealing a fourteen-foot taxidermied alligator (pictured at the right), strapping it to a pickup truck, and going mudbogging. You can read the story here. My favorite detail: these men were 53, 55, and 60.